Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?

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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass


Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.


Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.


Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.


Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.


I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life


It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”


I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.


List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws