@McNevich

Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?

You Might Also Like

@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

@wickedsuga

Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.

@stevevsninjas

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

@dshack8

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@awescar

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

@Lisabug74

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws