Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My first child will be named New Folder.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Doctors texting each other.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Encore…
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.