Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
You Might Also Like
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Goodnight 🐶
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.