“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’m never leaving this app.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.