“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I put the h in mysterious.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*seductively peels off lederhosen