“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that