“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

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[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”


When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.


Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced


Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…


Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about


[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”


Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”


mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]