@dragonsorbet

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

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@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

@InternetHippo

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

@speevis

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

@Prof_Hinkley

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

@stephenjmolloy

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

@KeetPotato

mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]