“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.