Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

are there any atheist mantises?

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.