hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Alexa; make it look like an accident
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”