Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.