Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels