Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.