Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”