Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
consequences, the bane of my existence
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.