@danCLYNE

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

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@Pabloayodeji

Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@duplicitron

I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.

@AmishPornStar1

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@mommajessiec

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

@Elizasoul80

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

@POTerritory

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

@krisv_723

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

@the_paramedicK

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes