Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
People on facebook are a different breed
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at