As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!