Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.