Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.