Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

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