hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
![]()
You Might Also Like
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
![]()
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
![]()
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet