Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Got ya covered

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me