@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

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@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@MartaEffing

Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.

@ArfMeasures

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

@TheTweetOfGod

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@AcademicsSay

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

@roxiqt

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.