“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream