“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes