Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Priorities

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?