Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Ah..makes sense now

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly