Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol