Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

Harsh but fair

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”