Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Reporter: *ports again*

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Sharon I have some bad news

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow