Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people