Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

“what that mouth do?” complain

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I enjoy a good short stor

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.