Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

peak technology

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”