Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Word.
~ Microsoft.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.