Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.