Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

Lol.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

found a horse’s reddit account