Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*
“Dude!, I don’t see anything”
“It’s invisible ink”
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I have two feelings in Ramadan, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”