Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Does this dress make me look cat?

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.