Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

logging onto twitter…

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Education is vital

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.