Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.