Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.