Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

me and who

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?