Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Encore…
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.