Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral