Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

What do you text your spouse?

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist