Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”