Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.