Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”