Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Finally a use for spoilers…
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.