Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

3% human
97% stress

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.