Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Everyone’s family
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Guilty! 🤪
lmao
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.