Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

I occasionally drink every single night.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.