Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

“Send dunes!”

– some dyslexic guy

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

When news reporters do sports stories

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

ouch