Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

🤭

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.