Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead