Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

You are not alone 💚

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.