Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.