FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside