Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Very good news from my accountant

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.