Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
nice challenge
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My god she’s good.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*