Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.