Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

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Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so


My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her


Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.


Cat: Why are you looking at me?

Me: You’re acting strange.

Cat: Strange?

Me: Are you on drugs?

Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.


This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.


A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.


WIFE: omg the FBI

ME: thats just female body inspectors

W: why are they here

M: probably all those female bodies we buried

W: o yah lol


The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?