Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.