Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.