Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.