Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.