Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Beware of fowl play.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.