Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
You Might Also Like
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
welcome back
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Before & after 😅
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
giddy up Office Depot
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.