Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.