Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

At ease

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat