Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT