Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

The answer is funnier than the question

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.