Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog