Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day