Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man