Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

two people or more is called a problem

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews