hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”