Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Hello, my name is Pierre.
