Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool