Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

My purse is deeper than some people.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.