Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.