@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

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@Book_Krazy

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

@Swishergirl24

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

@Contwixt

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die