@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

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@TweetPotato314

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

@matt___nelson

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@Ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

@orange_rhymer

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

@TheSwanDon

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

@Marlebean

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*